My struggles

This post took me a long time to write, because, I mean, who wants to admit they have struggles in print.  Plus I wanted to write this before the baby came, and then the baby came lol.  I have no issues talking about it to friends, but like all things in my life, when I write them down, they really become real (I have a to do list, a list of all foods I have eaten and all exercise I have done since April 2013, no joke).  Right now I want to insert the laughing tearing emoji right here.

So, here goes.

1)  Putting on weight, stretch marks - now weight has always been something I have struggled with since my younger days.  I won't go too much into it, but I think almost every woman will have some issue with putting on weight, getting stretch marks, a changing body.  So I just have to rant here, now that we have the baby, Lingon keeps saying how he has to keep working out to prevent himself from getting a dad bod.  Now, in no way do I want him to be fat, because fat husband means unhealthy dad means poorer care for the baby means he wouldn't be there as much for the baby means more work for me, but hey we women get the weird stretchy skin and saggy boobs and stuff and we can't do anything about it, and we work so hard to care for the baby (and husband).  I think one day I'm going to snap and tell him to find a baby/daddy workout so he can do it at home.  I mean, the baby is like one damn big weight.
2)  For no particular reason, the beginning of the pregnancy marked a particularly difficult time between Lingon and I, definitely pregnancy unrelated.  We were fighting all the time, mostly baby/pregnancy-unrelated, and that was not fun.  I have heard of a lot of women too who had strained marital relations during their pregnancy, but also heard of a lot who had wonderfully supportive husbands.  Eventually things got better, but I'm not quite sure what my point here was.
3)  Well, it's not like I was Marissa Mayer, and got paid oodles of dollars for every second I was at work, but I had a part time job and a small business, and having a baby meant making sacrifices with this.  I would have committed more to my part time job (my small business was terrible - I did not know how to get clients!), but knew it was not the time with the baby coming.  Then Lingon gets to go about doing his normal stuff for the most part, which I think I was partly jealous of.
4)  Not wanting life to change.  A couple of the things I was really involved in was flying trapeze and aerial.  And which studio wants to have liability for a pregnant women on such apparatus?!  So I told no one, and I flew till about 5 months and did aerial until about 6 months, and lived with the guilt of thinking I could have killed my baby every moment of that for a few months after.  Other things included being angry that I had to pee all the time, could not jump up and down (yeah I do that on a regular basis) without peeing a little in my pants, cutting down on sushi (I actually still believe it is pretty safe as long as you go to a reputable restaurant and do not eat huge fish, the worms thing in the US is not an issue because the fish is frozen which kills the worms), being tired a lot.  So yeah, lots of change.  Some women get bad morning sickness, I was fortunate that mine was pretty mild and only for a short while in the beginning.  Also people treat you differently if they know you are pregnant - I did not tell anyone I was pregnant for like months and months, but when I finally did, they would, very well meaningly, say things like you can't bend down and pick stuff up, or workout, and stuff, and  I'm like ughhhhhh no, I'm not incapacitated, I'm growing a child!  I had a couple of workout class trainers say especially stupid things like that, which truly ticked me off.

Well, now that I've gotten my rant in, let me say this.  All that is worth it.  The stretchy skin, the uncomfortableness, the crappy boobs, the fatigue.  Because everytime I look at my baby, I feel this joy that really was unimaginable to me even during pregnancy.  Everything about him, his pudgy cheeks, his dimpled hands and legs, his milk drunk face, his angry face, his happy face, his sad face, his grunts, his cry, his laughter, oh man I realize how much in love I am.  My OB gave me one of the best pieces of advice, which is to allow yourself to fall in love over and over again.  Do that with your babies.  They really grow so quickly.  Take lots of pictures and videos that you may never look at again.  Stare at them when they are sleeping.  Hug and kiss them lots.  I find I could not do that enough.  Then you look back at the struggles and realize, hey they really were not so bad after all.

Getting Your Home Ready

I never had a chance to nest, because I waited too long and our little bear ended up arriving 5 weeks early.  But as far as newborns go, I don't think you need that much stuff.  We actually bought our crib the night before I delivered, otherwise I ordered most stuff while I was in the hospital.

Here are things that are really essential to me:

Very important
BABY CAR SEAT - without this, you cannot leave the hospital.  They do a stress test type of thing at UCSF (not sure if it is for all hospitals), and put your baby in there to see if he/she sleeps for 2-3 hours.

Nursery
Crib
Changing table - there are many types.  They have like a whole furniture thing that you can buy, with shelves below, if you have plenty of space in the nursery.  Otherwise there are those you can put on top of your crib.  Or you can just do it on the bed or something, and put a disposable changing pad below like this, like those things you get on your hospital bed in case you pee.  My friend had one that was made of some plasticky material, vs one where we needed actual linen, and I love it.  Here is a picture.  Don't mind the cute baby.

And then stuff like mattress, sheets, blankets.

Bathing and body care
Mild baby soap and shampoo - so far we only use soap and just rinse off his head, but the hospital gave us J&J stuff.
Aquaphor or some kind of baby lotion type thing - we put this on him after every bath to keep his skin moisturized.
Diaper rash cream - we use Desitin but I am sure there are plenty out there.  Dry baby's butt before applying.  Our baby got a bit of a diaper rash and it made me sad.
Bath tub - they have many kinds, ours is just a basic tub, but if you are not confident of bathing your baby they have all kinds of products like hammock looking things that can support your baby as you bathe him/her, or slanted thinggsy that can keep the baby reclined so he/she is partly in the water and partly not.

Clothes
I recommend getting old baby clothes if you have access.  Babies pee and poo and dribble milk all over and we go through a ton of clothes.  The most useful so far have been onesies and sleep sacks (where it's like skirts at the bottom, for PJs, so it's super easy at night to change the diaper).  All baby clothes are cute anyway.  If you are in a cold place, socks.  Mits are great to prevent the baby from scratching his/her face.

Nursing
I must start this by saying I am a pump and feed mum and I stay home slash sort of work from home, so it's not like I have to go to work and have easy access clothes.  I might try to breastfeed directly some time, but so far I have not, and obviously not while out of the house.
Nursing clothes - bras and tops, buy good fitting ones, very very important.  I think I have some shit fitting ones and I'm stuck with those coz I'm not sure whether I'm going to breastfeed directly or not and it's not fun.
Breast pump - obviously to pump your breasts if you go that route.  Some people nurse exclusively, some like me pump and feed exclusively, some do both.  But if you pump obviously get a pump.  Try to get extra pump parts so you don't have to wash all the time, and you can wash in one batch.  Washing gets REALLY old after a while.
Nipple cream - my nipples are constantly sore.  Lansinoh lanolin is super popular, but I think I'm going to use Motherlove nipple cream from now on.  The lactation consultant recommended it because it was all natural organic blahblah, which I don't usually care for, but she gave me some samples and it feels OH SO GOOD.
Coconut oil (or olive, or something) - I use this on my nipples before I pump, it helps with the friction.  My nipples are still sore, but I think they would be worse without.
Nursing bra pads - for sore and leaky boobs.  I remember the first time I leaked.  It's like peeing on yourself, but from your nipple.  Very freaky.
Some like nursing pillows.  I found them a little bit of a pain, but what I do find useful is something to prop your arm on especially as the baby gets fatter and heavier.

Other stuff
Diapers - note there are newborn diapers.  I thought I was so smart and bought like a thousand size 1 diapers, and when I got back from the hospital they were too big.
Wipes - to wipe.  Backside, explosive pee and poop all over the room, there are lots of things to wipe down.  Hahaha!
Wipes warmer - our baby hates changing, and my friend told me maybe it's because the wipes are too cold.  So I bought this wipes warmer thing and I'll let you know if changing is any better.  Or likely I'll forget to let you know so just assume things are better.
Stroller - OMG again so many, but my friend gave me a Graco SnugRider® Elite Stroller for infant strollers which helped me with my decision to get a Graco infant car seat.  Anyway the point is not to help you choose a stroller, but to tell you how nice it is to have a stroller to push the baby around, because one time I carried the car seat to the doctor's, even though I parked literally right in front, it was a pain.  I will never do that again and will use the stroller always.
Carrier - some people, most people I dare say, like carriers.  We got a Baby K'tan and the few times we used it it seems fine, maybe a bit iffy, not sure yet, but seems like a good thing to have.
Baby book - for all those precious moments.  Believe me, I'm not

My Labour

I delivered the perfect baby boy at UCSF Benioff Children's Medical Center at 10.36am on July 10, 2016.  I want to document my experience here at the hospital.

I was 35 weeks 1 day pregnant.  It was 3.44am on Sunday, July 10, 2016, when I woke up as a gush of water exited my vagina.  I woke my husband up, "Lingon. my water just broke".  We were up, and I thought oh shit for a moment, then I tried to figure out what to do with all that liquid flowing out of me.  I got him to bring a bunch of towels to soak it up, and then thinking that all would now be fine, I ask for underwear and a pad to hopefully make my way to the bathroom.  But nope, more water gushed out.

The water flow was now under control.  We decided to take an Uber to the hospital because it would be cheaper than parking there, but there was surge pricing, so I decided to get an UberPool (with the assumption no one will really pool with me), much to Lingon's chagrin.  Luckily we did not get paired with another.  I brought a giant bath towel, just in case of any leaky accidents.  Off we went.  We made it to the hospital without incident at 4.21pm, and headed to labour and delivery.  We were sent to triage, and I change into a hospital gown.  The nurses came in and asked me if I felt any contractions, and I say no.  Apparently when your water breaks, you do not necessarily go into labour, it depends on how far along you are, health status, etc.  For example, if your water breaks at 25 weeks, they may give you drugs to keep your baby in.  For me, at 35 weeks, they had to admit me, but would not give drugs to prevent labour.  Depending on how the baby was doing, they could have given me drugs to help labour progress, but they just admitted me and we held our breath and waited to see what was to come.  They tried to confirm my water broke, saying sometimes people pee on themselves, etc., but one look at the volume of liquid coming out of me and they were 99% sure my water broke.  They did a couple of other tests - 1) PH test 2) slide 3) pap smear esque thing, and yes my water 100% broke.

From here on, I'm not entirely sure of the order of events, but let me try.

I started feeling some cramps, and when asked again how I feel, I say I have cramps, like very bad menstrual cramps.  They feel me and I'm breaking out in a cold sweat.  I was told these were contractions.  Lingon said we were still in triage at 7am.  Somehow we moved to the antepartum room, and the cramps got really bad.  We were put in Labour Room 1, and I was dying of pain in there, and all of a sudden I realize the TV is smoking.  "I have a question", I said, "why is there smoke coming from behind the TV?"  No one knows but they wheel me out in a haste - "let's get you as far from there as possible".  We had to move to Labour Room 7.  We got a rest in between contractions, and I asked Lingon for my Ike's turkey sandwich.  A midwife, Miranda, came in, and says I am in active labour.  She tried to joke about seeing me throw up, as she saw me take my bite of my sandwich, and hands me a barf bag.  I try to be brave and refuse drugs.  I was yelling at people that I was going to die, and everyone told me I was not going to die, but it sure felt like it.  I can't even remember if I was lying down, curled up, or what on earth I was doing, but someone said I was sweaty and this was a sign of active labour, and I was like yeah, no shit (in my head).  The midwife put her fingers up my vagina, says I was 7-8cm dilated (or was that 8-9cm?), and told me I am close.  So OK, I try to hold out for no epidural.  At some point, I was told that my cervix was complete, and that I should push, "like taking the biggest poop of my life".  So I pushed maybe through 2 contractions, 3 times each, and I remembered her telling me I would have the all natural labour I wanted to have, and was super encouraged.  Then suddenly, she says, my cervix is not complete, and I feel like I'm going to die.

It might be at this point that I was begging for nitrous (laughing gas), which was what I had hoped would be the most severe drug during my labour.  I was not sure how long that lasted, but I remember at some point throwing the gas mask away and again yelling "I'm going to die".  I was told to relax.  The labour doctor, Dr Nicole Teal, came in around 8am, and I think I remembered her saying "someone needs to talk to her about her pain" or something to that effect.

Then I'm begging for an epidural.  The anesthesiologists come in.  Monica and Germaine.  I told Lingon to show them a picture of my spine since I have scoliosis (epidural has higher chance of failing or being lopsided as a result).  They seemed impressed I have such a thing in my phone and I had the clarity of mind to be able to hand them this piece of information.  I felt like a kid, so pleased that they were impressed.  They waited for a contraction to end, and administered the thing.  Time on the UCSF records system shows me 8.58am.  There was not enough time to the next contraction, and I felt the pain coming on, but they told me I needed to hold steady.  I remembered my legs being on Lingon's thighs, and I am bent forward, in tears and feeling like I was going to die.  I waited another contraction.  All of a sudden, I feel nothing.  I have no legs.  And no pain.  Wow.  Bliss.  I think I was in tears, half asleep.  Then suddenly it was time to push.  I could not feel any contractions, so I had to be told when to push.  Again, I pushed 3 times through each contraction, for a number if times, and this lasted for maybe an hour and the doctors tried using a vacuum pump since the baby was not descending.  The pump snaps off.  Shit.  He is at +2 station.  The doctors told me his heart rate is dropping to 60 and they recommended a C-section.  I said OK.  I mean, what choice did I have?

I got wheeled to the operating room.  I asked for Lingon and they said he was outside, and I was upset and scared but they said he would come in soon.  He came in.  We got a chance to push once more.  They used the vacuum again, but it failed.  I was really upset, but have to be brave for the baby and Lingon.  We started the C-section.  I remember asking how long more, and they said 10 mins.  I was holding Monica's hand, maybe Lingon's hand?  Poor them, I was definitely crushing them.  Baby was out at 10.36am, and he was crying.  Then I was crying.  They started to sew me up.  I asked how long it takes.  45 mins.  Lingon went to see the baby, and then walked back to me.  I ask him to take a picture of goopy baby, and he did, and showed me. Then he brought the baby to me, all wrapped up.  We take a family photo.  Not quite how I imagined it, and I could not even describe the rush of emotions that were rushing through me.  Then the baby had to go.  As they sewed me up, I was shivering, like major chatters, my jaw was so painful and my whole body was wrecked, from being so tense and cold and in pain.

I wasin recovery.  Not sure if I fell asleep.  But I was asked every so often whether I can feel my legs.  I couldn't for the longest time, but was anxious to, because when I could feel my legs I could be taken to see my baby.  When I could finally feel my legs and lift my knees, I was wheeled in my bed to see the baby.  They placed him on me, and it's the most wonderful thing ever.  I did not get to hold my baby again until 2 days later.

I was put in Postpartum Room 13.  I ate a mint Builders bar when I finally made it here.  We had a conservative dinner, but I was hungry.  I'm just hungry all the time.

I was told I was a good pusher.  Big help it was for me.  :-/

Anyhow, that's my story.  Someone told me I went through everything - a natural labour, one with an epidural and a C-section.  But only one baby.  Haha.  But the nurses told me some people get multiple babies via different channels, and I just thought that was crazy.  Count myself lucky?!